a video? gtfo.

so i made a video for this blog entry because i've decided i like making video entries. lol so pardon my super sun burnt face & the occasional skipping in the video. for example when i am answering what i am listening to right now i said the new Phoenix album, Bankrupt! but you couldn't tell due to the skipping.. lame.
also p.s. don't judge the way i say crayons. yes i know i say crowns not crayons i don't know why i do it that's just how i've always said it. so my answer was black. i'd choose to be a black crayon.. not crown. don't get confused.
ENJOY.

madeline luse, swim instructor.

there is always that one kid that you don't want to teach & that you just want to kick out because they are disrespectful & are just plain meanie but kids like the triplets that i've been teaching for the past two weeks, & gave me this amazing card, make it all worth it. they genuinely want to learn & love you when you do teach them because learning to swimming is like child crack to them. i feel so appreciated.

continued..

he is leaving.
he is gone. 
he has replaced me.
& now i'm scared. 

7-25-2013

today i was tagged by my dear ole' bestie Emily Peterson in her blog to answer the questions that she gave me. also i posted some pictures of some new & pretty rad clothes i got the other day at Francesca's Boutique. i think i am fairly obsessed with the clothes at this sweet little boutique. but anyways, regarding the questions; here we go:

1. where is your favorite place in Utah?
there aren't very many but when your with the right people there are plenty of places that can be fun. i usually always have a good time anywhere up in slc.. it's nice to just get out of utah county for a while every now  & again. but i also have another favorite place & it is my friend conner's house. i've never had a bad time when i was hanging out with my boys in or outside that house. i always feel worry free & completely not judged when i'm with them there.
3. it's dinnertime, what are you cooking?
i don't know but i bet it'll be delicious.  4. which is cooler? dinosaurs or dragons?
oh definitely dragons. i've never heard of fire-breathing dinosaurs.
5. describe your perfect date?
it would probably start off with dinner at a good pizza place (see answer 7 for restaurants) then we would head to an outdoor concert somewhere & listen to great music together next we would go to some nice place like a park or field or something & just lay down together, cuddle, & maybe kiss a little. then he'd take me home & leave me standing on the front porch with a smile on my face.
6. favorite blogs to read?
i love reading all my friend's blogs mostly. my main squeezes are: 
Emily's Brain
some girl- a diary
Lindsey's Corner
& some others like The Dainty Squid, Haircut & General Attitude, etc.
7. best restaurant in your area?
it is either between settebello up in Salt Lake City or pizzeria 712 in Provo.. if you can't tell i'm a total sucker for good pizza.
8. what is your favorite childhood movie?
the random collection of holiday movies we recorded on vhs off of pbs. 9. what's the wildest thing you've ever done?
somethings are best kept a secret.
10. did you like the movie waterworld? what about now you see me?
i haven't seen waterworld but i did see now you see me & i loved it! it had a great cast (morgan freeman, jesse eisenberg, woody harrelson, dave franco, etc.. #perfect), a great plot, i love magic, & it had a lot of good twists throughout it.
11. what is an addiction of yours? 
pie.

talkin 'bout my generation.

see i've been thinking about this whole generation thing lately & how older people are always saying "oh this generation is so spoiled.. they don't know what hard work means.. yada yada yada.." & here's the thing, they are kind of totally right but you know what i hate the most? the fact that i know they are right but i am fine with it. i guess sometimes i should feel bad that i use it all for evil. like looking up answers online or using sparknotes or letting the wonders of the web (twitter, tumblr, blogs, etc.) distract me from homework & all that jazz but other than that i love it (& i secretly love the fact that i can just google shit for my homework or papers etc but shh don't tell anyone) so yes the majority of what we have now in our generation is usually just used as a tool to make things easier, which isn't a bad thing in most cases, it's just that sometimes it makes things so easy that we get categorized as lazy, which, yes, some of us are, but i have to admit.. but i also have to admit that sometimes i am just fine with being lazy.

so S/O to my generation being lowlife slackers stuck to their iphone/computer screens. #peaceoutbitchezz #hashtag

my dawson's creek epiphany.

so i think i've reached a point of no return in my life. i'm sitting here in my dark room watching Dawson's Creek, yes the coming of age story of four teens in high school battling issues with family, school, & all their sexual tension, & it's making me realize how i think i might be doing high school wrong. but then again maybe i am going clinically insane due to the fact that i am basing my high school life off of Dawson's Creek. see i've made some friends & unfortunately other than my boys i don't think once i finish school i'll keep in touch with any of them. i've also attempted good grades which is what you're supposed to do right? i mean i tried, i didn't succeed in the least bit but i tried so A for effort. but see i'm okay with that i've never let that kind of stuff rule my life; never really let it consume me like some people do, you know? & i think that might be where i began to go wrong because from where i see it i am lacking in the following typical high school requirements: 
-good grades
-school spirit
-a boyfriend
-a lunch table dedicated specifically to me & my group of friends
-a teacher that believes in me
-& the ability to like the other people at my school

now here's the thing.. i am totally fine with lacking in these things because i have my boys & they are all i really need & i know they'll always be there (even where they are gone & out of country for a whole two years), i have spirit it's just not for my school, i think i have a few people who believe in me, & so really i think i'm pretty set. well other than that whole boyfriend thing. i mean i'm a pretty good n.c.m.o.b but then someone comes along & snatches them up with the idea of a real & public relationship so i guess i lose that one 9 out of 10 times. but i like to tell myself that maybe in the next episode everything will change, not drastically but noticeable enough, just like it does in dear ole' Dawson's Creek.

 stay tuned to find out what happens on the nest episode of, 'Jesus Christ, Madeline.'

#confessiontweet

so here's the haps, yo.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. <-- my life put into one exclamatory word/phrase/action.

is that a suitable blog post or does there need to be more words? what about pictures.. want some of those? i can even make them moving pictures, wow, so stay tuned.

confession.

sometimes my wrist mock me. i look down & see the scars & they remind me of that time & this time & then i take a nap so i don't have to think about it. but it's fine because they are just from retrieving a ball from a rose bush, right madeline?

my written words.

i am but a sixteen year old 
whose brain wanders all through the night
of why the sky isn't green & the grass isn't blue
& things that i shouldn't say.

alone, alone, i like being alone
then i think to much 
& i become terrified
& think about all the things that made me feel this way.

i am but a sixteen year old
who doesn't yet believe she belongs
in this world of darkness & demons
a sixteen year old 
who wants to believe in fairies & true love's kiss.

but my thoughts are haunting,
scary as shit,
& flood my mind like a hurricane that never blows away
i can't think straight & just want to sleep when thoughts like these start creeping in:
-why does sadness always have to follow happiness
-how you killed the goodness that was left in me
-why everyone dies & everyone eventually forgets you
-how every time the wind blows my memories of you go with it one by one

but then i try to focus on the fact
that Earth is nothing but an spot
there are many more places & scenes
hidden in the galaxies,
behind the stars,
& around the side of the milky way
& that maybe someday i can voyage there
to see all the undiscovered.

--madeline