featuring me: the delinquent

the type of girl with red puffy eyes that she will never show you.

the type of girl that makes you laugh at inappropriate jokes because she thinks they're funny.

the type of girl that can win the award for putting on a fake smile.

the kind of girl with bags under her eyes because the night terrifies her.

the kind of girl that makes money then spends it right after on something she doesn't need.

the kind of girl that cuts the edges off the brownies in the pan 

& leaves the middle for someone else to eat. 

this type of girl is me 

& i am this type of girl.

the type of girl that just wants her sister home so she can hug her. 

the type of girl that wants to live in the feeling that she gets when she smells cigarette smoke & freshly cut grass 

wants to live in the feeling of this is where i belong 

the feeling of

fuck,

I'm finally happy

too fucking long.

there are some things that it's just been too long since i've done.

Ex.

smiled & meant it

hung out with my sister

watched Donnie Darko

kissed a boy

talked to a unicorn

took my dog on a walk

played in the sprinklers 

jumped on a trampoline

had a deep conversation with someone

had ice cream in a cone

taken pictures of things that meant something to me

had a party for a random reason

etc.

obviously my life is a joke.

a bucket list, a pretzel, & a cute boy.

    

     so i have this challenge thing going on right now with this kid i know. it started one night when we were texting. we were talking about how we haven't really accomplished anything on our bucket lists. they remain mostly untouched. which to me is a little odd, i mean we are 17 years old high schoolers, this is the prime time to be doing fun & adventurous things right? right. so i dared him to go out that weekend & do at least one thing off his bucket list. well he dared me to the do the same thing. so then we decided to make it a challenge, we never decided on what would happen if you didn't check something off your list but we challenged each other to do one thing off our list every weekend "or else". & to be totally honest, i love it. even though there is no "or else" i still do it because why not. i mean you have someone telling you to go out & check things off your bucket list every weekend & it's way rad. 
    granted some of the things on my bucket list are a little dumb (ex. go on a road trip to a randomly selected location with one person & not tell anyone where we're going, get a tattoo, change my identity for a day, vandalism a stop sign, buy a hedgehog, etc) but some of them are also really making me branch out a little. for example, be more ballsy & worry less when it comes to boys. i really hope some of you laugh at that because yeah that's ridiculous & a little pathetic. but i feel like if i write it down then i have to fulfill it.. you know? to be honest i am using the boy that i started this challenge with as a motivator because 1. when i do something off my list i get an excuse to text the really cute boy 2. it makes me look cooler because i am doing all these cool things & 3. i know he probably won't care in the slightest but i thinks it's nice to have someone who you don't want to let down you know.. like i said earlier, a motivator. he motivates me to do exciting things even though he doesn't know it  & for that little bit of unknown support i really appreciate him. 
    now the title of this blog post won't make much sense to you unless i talk about how the pretzel bit comes into play. so let me backtrack a little to when i said one of the things on my bucket was 'to be more ballsy & worry less when it comes to boys.' see i like to think that i am good at flirting in some situations but when it comes to really being with someone or texting with a boy more than a few times i begin to overthink everything because that is just my personality. my brain will never just shut the fuck up & let my instincts take over. so i wrote that task on my bucket list to hopefully force me to do it you know? so over this weekend i checked that off my bucket list with the help of said "bucket list boy". it's kind of a long story or at least it will be if i try to tell the whole thing. so i'll just sum it up by firstly reminding you that this boy is abnormally cute & has a really rad personality so it goes without saying that i am thoroughly intimidated by him. but this weekend i conquered my fears & took a pretzel to his house.. for him. i told myself i should do it & i didn't even give my brain the chance to talk me out of it. i just let my body take over. i made a spontaneous trip over to his house with a warm homemade pretzel, i went to the door & gave it directly to him. i don't know.. i thought it was kind of cute. now did this spark a relationship between us & change my life or anything? no & i'm sure nothing will happen between us but that's not the point. the point is i checked that off my bucket list & it felt really good. 

now do i still wish i would have given him the pretzel, grabbed his face, kissed him then walked away? 
hell yes. 
but hey baby steps.

the thoughts that wander.

you want to know what I really think? here's what I think. I don't think there is any higher being & I am okay with thinking that. There are a lot of people who aren't okay with me thinking like that but they don't get to choose that stuff for me. & if they don't agree with me that is fine because everything a person decides is personal & there is no one that has the right to decide if you are wrong because of your beliefs. it's not okay. & you want to know what else isn't okay? It's not okay to take someone away before they get the chance to fufill their greatness. don't just let them show you their greatness, their light, & their strength then just take them away. it's a sick joke. & I don't think it's fair. people keep saying he has a plan & that she is right where he want a her to be. but I don't know how to think like that. I don't know how to tell myself that this situation is fair. I think he's selfish. she could have stayed longer & she should have but he didn't let her. & it hurts. my heart hurts, it aches, & it crys constantly. I feel angry & sad & a little broken. I just don't know anymore.. 

The Truth, a not so love story.

you want to know the complete utter truth about me? okay well here it goes. it's really simple:
if i swore less, was cuter, & could longboard i would definitely be liked & accepted at school plus maybe even have a boyfriend. but honestly that just isn't me. 

senior year.

so my senior year starts tomorrow. i am excited for my last first day ever of high school but other than that i'm not really excited for anything, i mean other than the last day. i'm not excited for senior prom, or being with friends for the last year, or any other cliche junk. i'm just done. & you know what i came to the conclusion about today? that i honestly enjoyed going to school. at least i did 6 years ago. Utah has ruined a lot of things for me & school is one of them. but i think i'm coming to terms with that. i think i'll be okay resenting it for the next year. resenting everyday that i have to walk in the halls of dear ole' american fork high school because when you have so much hate for one thing it makes everything else seem a little sweeter, a little more tolerable. 

damn.

here's to him.

here's to him; the boy that can make me smile on the worst of days just  by saying one word.
the boy that i can lay down for hours & watch jimmy neutron with.
the boy who i can tease relentlessly but still knows i love him.
still knows that no matter where he is or how far away we are i will always give him a think about because i want him to get the best night sleep he can & have dreams that remind him of me & know i love him no matter the distance. 
& i also want him to know that i will slay a dragon for him any day of the week or fight off an alien invasion or climb over a mountain just to find him or even just knock on his door & say hello just to see him smile.
i will do anything for him.
anything for my brother.
anything for henry.
he may be a wienie & a turd & a totally nut head but he is my wienie & if you hurt him i will hunt you down & kick your ass.
so here's to him.
here's to henry.