featuring me: the delinquent

the type of girl with red puffy eyes that she will never show you.

the type of girl that makes you laugh at inappropriate jokes because she thinks they're funny.

the type of girl that can win the award for putting on a fake smile.

the kind of girl with bags under her eyes because the night terrifies her.

the kind of girl that makes money then spends it right after on something she doesn't need.

the kind of girl that cuts the edges off the brownies in the pan 

& leaves the middle for someone else to eat. 

this type of girl is me 

& i am this type of girl.

the type of girl that just wants her sister home so she can hug her. 

the type of girl that wants to live in the feeling that she gets when she smells cigarette smoke & freshly cut grass 

wants to live in the feeling of this is where i belong 

the feeling of

fuck,

I'm finally happy

too fucking long.

there are some things that it's just been too long since i've done.

Ex.

smiled & meant it

hung out with my sister

watched Donnie Darko

kissed a boy

talked to a unicorn

took my dog on a walk

played in the sprinklers 

jumped on a trampoline

had a deep conversation with someone

had ice cream in a cone

taken pictures of things that meant something to me

had a party for a random reason

etc.

obviously my life is a joke.

a bucket list, a pretzel, & a cute boy.

    

     so i have this challenge thing going on right now with this kid i know. it started one night when we were texting. we were talking about how we haven't really accomplished anything on our bucket lists. they remain mostly untouched. which to me is a little odd, i mean we are 17 years old high schoolers, this is the prime time to be doing fun & adventurous things right? right. so i dared him to go out that weekend & do at least one thing off his bucket list. well he dared me to the do the same thing. so then we decided to make it a challenge, we never decided on what would happen if you didn't check something off your list but we challenged each other to do one thing off our list every weekend "or else". & to be totally honest, i love it. even though there is no "or else" i still do it because why not. i mean you have someone telling you to go out & check things off your bucket list every weekend & it's way rad. 
    granted some of the things on my bucket list are a little dumb (ex. go on a road trip to a randomly selected location with one person & not tell anyone where we're going, get a tattoo, change my identity for a day, vandalism a stop sign, buy a hedgehog, etc) but some of them are also really making me branch out a little. for example, be more ballsy & worry less when it comes to boys. i really hope some of you laugh at that because yeah that's ridiculous & a little pathetic. but i feel like if i write it down then i have to fulfill it.. you know? to be honest i am using the boy that i started this challenge with as a motivator because 1. when i do something off my list i get an excuse to text the really cute boy 2. it makes me look cooler because i am doing all these cool things & 3. i know he probably won't care in the slightest but i thinks it's nice to have someone who you don't want to let down you know.. like i said earlier, a motivator. he motivates me to do exciting things even though he doesn't know it  & for that little bit of unknown support i really appreciate him. 
    now the title of this blog post won't make much sense to you unless i talk about how the pretzel bit comes into play. so let me backtrack a little to when i said one of the things on my bucket was 'to be more ballsy & worry less when it comes to boys.' see i like to think that i am good at flirting in some situations but when it comes to really being with someone or texting with a boy more than a few times i begin to overthink everything because that is just my personality. my brain will never just shut the fuck up & let my instincts take over. so i wrote that task on my bucket list to hopefully force me to do it you know? so over this weekend i checked that off my bucket list with the help of said "bucket list boy". it's kind of a long story or at least it will be if i try to tell the whole thing. so i'll just sum it up by firstly reminding you that this boy is abnormally cute & has a really rad personality so it goes without saying that i am thoroughly intimidated by him. but this weekend i conquered my fears & took a pretzel to his house.. for him. i told myself i should do it & i didn't even give my brain the chance to talk me out of it. i just let my body take over. i made a spontaneous trip over to his house with a warm homemade pretzel, i went to the door & gave it directly to him. i don't know.. i thought it was kind of cute. now did this spark a relationship between us & change my life or anything? no & i'm sure nothing will happen between us but that's not the point. the point is i checked that off my bucket list & it felt really good. 

now do i still wish i would have given him the pretzel, grabbed his face, kissed him then walked away? 
hell yes. 
but hey baby steps.

the thoughts that wander.

you want to know what I really think? here's what I think. I don't think there is any higher being & I am okay with thinking that. There are a lot of people who aren't okay with me thinking like that but they don't get to choose that stuff for me. & if they don't agree with me that is fine because everything a person decides is personal & there is no one that has the right to decide if you are wrong because of your beliefs. it's not okay. & you want to know what else isn't okay? It's not okay to take someone away before they get the chance to fufill their greatness. don't just let them show you their greatness, their light, & their strength then just take them away. it's a sick joke. & I don't think it's fair. people keep saying he has a plan & that she is right where he want a her to be. but I don't know how to think like that. I don't know how to tell myself that this situation is fair. I think he's selfish. she could have stayed longer & she should have but he didn't let her. & it hurts. my heart hurts, it aches, & it crys constantly. I feel angry & sad & a little broken. I just don't know anymore.. 

The Truth, a not so love story.

you want to know the complete utter truth about me? okay well here it goes. it's really simple:
if i swore less, was cuter, & could longboard i would definitely be liked & accepted at school plus maybe even have a boyfriend. but honestly that just isn't me. 

senior year.

so my senior year starts tomorrow. i am excited for my last first day ever of high school but other than that i'm not really excited for anything, i mean other than the last day. i'm not excited for senior prom, or being with friends for the last year, or any other cliche junk. i'm just done. & you know what i came to the conclusion about today? that i honestly enjoyed going to school. at least i did 6 years ago. Utah has ruined a lot of things for me & school is one of them. but i think i'm coming to terms with that. i think i'll be okay resenting it for the next year. resenting everyday that i have to walk in the halls of dear ole' american fork high school because when you have so much hate for one thing it makes everything else seem a little sweeter, a little more tolerable. 

damn.

here's to him.

here's to him; the boy that can make me smile on the worst of days just  by saying one word.
the boy that i can lay down for hours & watch jimmy neutron with.
the boy who i can tease relentlessly but still knows i love him.
still knows that no matter where he is or how far away we are i will always give him a think about because i want him to get the best night sleep he can & have dreams that remind him of me & know i love him no matter the distance. 
& i also want him to know that i will slay a dragon for him any day of the week or fight off an alien invasion or climb over a mountain just to find him or even just knock on his door & say hello just to see him smile.
i will do anything for him.
anything for my brother.
anything for henry.
he may be a wienie & a turd & a totally nut head but he is my wienie & if you hurt him i will hunt you down & kick your ass.
so here's to him.
here's to henry.

a video? gtfo.

so i made a video for this blog entry because i've decided i like making video entries. lol so pardon my super sun burnt face & the occasional skipping in the video. for example when i am answering what i am listening to right now i said the new Phoenix album, Bankrupt! but you couldn't tell due to the skipping.. lame.
also p.s. don't judge the way i say crayons. yes i know i say crowns not crayons i don't know why i do it that's just how i've always said it. so my answer was black. i'd choose to be a black crayon.. not crown. don't get confused.
ENJOY.

madeline luse, swim instructor.

there is always that one kid that you don't want to teach & that you just want to kick out because they are disrespectful & are just plain meanie but kids like the triplets that i've been teaching for the past two weeks, & gave me this amazing card, make it all worth it. they genuinely want to learn & love you when you do teach them because learning to swimming is like child crack to them. i feel so appreciated.

continued..

he is leaving.
he is gone. 
he has replaced me.
& now i'm scared. 

7-25-2013

today i was tagged by my dear ole' bestie Emily Peterson in her blog to answer the questions that she gave me. also i posted some pictures of some new & pretty rad clothes i got the other day at Francesca's Boutique. i think i am fairly obsessed with the clothes at this sweet little boutique. but anyways, regarding the questions; here we go:

1. where is your favorite place in Utah?
there aren't very many but when your with the right people there are plenty of places that can be fun. i usually always have a good time anywhere up in slc.. it's nice to just get out of utah county for a while every now  & again. but i also have another favorite place & it is my friend conner's house. i've never had a bad time when i was hanging out with my boys in or outside that house. i always feel worry free & completely not judged when i'm with them there.
3. it's dinnertime, what are you cooking?
i don't know but i bet it'll be delicious.  4. which is cooler? dinosaurs or dragons?
oh definitely dragons. i've never heard of fire-breathing dinosaurs.
5. describe your perfect date?
it would probably start off with dinner at a good pizza place (see answer 7 for restaurants) then we would head to an outdoor concert somewhere & listen to great music together next we would go to some nice place like a park or field or something & just lay down together, cuddle, & maybe kiss a little. then he'd take me home & leave me standing on the front porch with a smile on my face.
6. favorite blogs to read?
i love reading all my friend's blogs mostly. my main squeezes are: 
Emily's Brain
some girl- a diary
Lindsey's Corner
& some others like The Dainty Squid, Haircut & General Attitude, etc.
7. best restaurant in your area?
it is either between settebello up in Salt Lake City or pizzeria 712 in Provo.. if you can't tell i'm a total sucker for good pizza.
8. what is your favorite childhood movie?
the random collection of holiday movies we recorded on vhs off of pbs. 9. what's the wildest thing you've ever done?
somethings are best kept a secret.
10. did you like the movie waterworld? what about now you see me?
i haven't seen waterworld but i did see now you see me & i loved it! it had a great cast (morgan freeman, jesse eisenberg, woody harrelson, dave franco, etc.. #perfect), a great plot, i love magic, & it had a lot of good twists throughout it.
11. what is an addiction of yours? 
pie.

talkin 'bout my generation.

see i've been thinking about this whole generation thing lately & how older people are always saying "oh this generation is so spoiled.. they don't know what hard work means.. yada yada yada.." & here's the thing, they are kind of totally right but you know what i hate the most? the fact that i know they are right but i am fine with it. i guess sometimes i should feel bad that i use it all for evil. like looking up answers online or using sparknotes or letting the wonders of the web (twitter, tumblr, blogs, etc.) distract me from homework & all that jazz but other than that i love it (& i secretly love the fact that i can just google shit for my homework or papers etc but shh don't tell anyone) so yes the majority of what we have now in our generation is usually just used as a tool to make things easier, which isn't a bad thing in most cases, it's just that sometimes it makes things so easy that we get categorized as lazy, which, yes, some of us are, but i have to admit.. but i also have to admit that sometimes i am just fine with being lazy.

so S/O to my generation being lowlife slackers stuck to their iphone/computer screens. #peaceoutbitchezz #hashtag

my dawson's creek epiphany.

so i think i've reached a point of no return in my life. i'm sitting here in my dark room watching Dawson's Creek, yes the coming of age story of four teens in high school battling issues with family, school, & all their sexual tension, & it's making me realize how i think i might be doing high school wrong. but then again maybe i am going clinically insane due to the fact that i am basing my high school life off of Dawson's Creek. see i've made some friends & unfortunately other than my boys i don't think once i finish school i'll keep in touch with any of them. i've also attempted good grades which is what you're supposed to do right? i mean i tried, i didn't succeed in the least bit but i tried so A for effort. but see i'm okay with that i've never let that kind of stuff rule my life; never really let it consume me like some people do, you know? & i think that might be where i began to go wrong because from where i see it i am lacking in the following typical high school requirements: 
-good grades
-school spirit
-a boyfriend
-a lunch table dedicated specifically to me & my group of friends
-a teacher that believes in me
-& the ability to like the other people at my school

now here's the thing.. i am totally fine with lacking in these things because i have my boys & they are all i really need & i know they'll always be there (even where they are gone & out of country for a whole two years), i have spirit it's just not for my school, i think i have a few people who believe in me, & so really i think i'm pretty set. well other than that whole boyfriend thing. i mean i'm a pretty good n.c.m.o.b but then someone comes along & snatches them up with the idea of a real & public relationship so i guess i lose that one 9 out of 10 times. but i like to tell myself that maybe in the next episode everything will change, not drastically but noticeable enough, just like it does in dear ole' Dawson's Creek.

 stay tuned to find out what happens on the nest episode of, 'Jesus Christ, Madeline.'

#confessiontweet

so here's the haps, yo.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. <-- my life put into one exclamatory word/phrase/action.

is that a suitable blog post or does there need to be more words? what about pictures.. want some of those? i can even make them moving pictures, wow, so stay tuned.

confession.

sometimes my wrist mock me. i look down & see the scars & they remind me of that time & this time & then i take a nap so i don't have to think about it. but it's fine because they are just from retrieving a ball from a rose bush, right madeline?

my written words.

i am but a sixteen year old 
whose brain wanders all through the night
of why the sky isn't green & the grass isn't blue
& things that i shouldn't say.

alone, alone, i like being alone
then i think to much 
& i become terrified
& think about all the things that made me feel this way.

i am but a sixteen year old
who doesn't yet believe she belongs
in this world of darkness & demons
a sixteen year old 
who wants to believe in fairies & true love's kiss.

but my thoughts are haunting,
scary as shit,
& flood my mind like a hurricane that never blows away
i can't think straight & just want to sleep when thoughts like these start creeping in:
-why does sadness always have to follow happiness
-how you killed the goodness that was left in me
-why everyone dies & everyone eventually forgets you
-how every time the wind blows my memories of you go with it one by one

but then i try to focus on the fact
that Earth is nothing but an spot
there are many more places & scenes
hidden in the galaxies,
behind the stars,
& around the side of the milky way
& that maybe someday i can voyage there
to see all the undiscovered.

--madeline

June 28, 2013.

my best friend got married & looked amazing doing it. i got to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. i shared a table with some really attractive groomsmen. i ate delicious food. listened to very heartfelt speeches from the proud parents. texted/flirted with a very cute boy. took lots of pictures with the whole wedding party at the lovely reception. took pictures with two of my most amazing friends in a photo booth. flirted more with the very cute boy. ate crepes. met my friend's girlfriend. took photos with my perfect sister in the photo booth. watched my best friend & her adorable husband cut their cake. then i gave my best friend a really big hug, congratulated her, & told her to have lots of fun on her honeymoon.
it was perfect.
The End.

stencil shit.

sometimes when i can't sleep (& by sometimes i mean the majority of always) i make stencils & paint on my clothes. 

our mind is our own personal weapon for self destruction.

questions answered & facts spilled.

11 random facts about me--
1. i always fall for the cute stoner boys.
2. i only like kittens. once they grow into cats i don't like them.
3. my favorite color is green.
4. my dream car is a 1974 Volkswagen Thing.
5. i watch netflix a lot.
6. i am so bad at making decision & i hate being the one to choose.
7. i am scared of the middle of the month.
8. my favorite animals are as follows: goats, grizzly bears, rabbits, foxes, & squirrels.
9. i don't give a damn about my bad reputation.
10. as soon as i'm 18 the first thing i am going to do is get a tattoo.
11. i swear a lot.

11 questions--
1. coffee or tea?
that is the question of life. i absolutely love both but i tend to choose coffee over tea the most. but don't get me wrong, i love myself a good cup of tea too.
2. how many pillows do you sleep with?
6 or 7
3. do you believe in aliens?
yes. for sure.
4. when's your birthday?
it's a secret. sorry. i would tell you but the cia agents that got in contact with me last week said i can't tell anyone. just kidding i wouldn't tell you anyways. i don't like birthdays so i keep it a secret.
5. what color do you wear the most/love to wear?
black &  a lot of neutrals with small accents of color every now & then. 
6. what's your middle name?
louise
7. dream job?
owning a coffee/bar/music house. owning a super chill & rad place that is a cafe/record store in the morning then in the evening it switches into a bar with a stage so it can be a music house too. super sick huh?
8. where do you want to go to college?
i have absolutely no idea. i am going to take a year off after i graduate so i still have a bit until i have to worry about it.
9. do you have any phobias or weird fears?
yes. but if i tell you can't tease me about it.. okay? okay. it's feet. i hate them. they gross & creep me out. i don't like being too close to someones bare feet or people touching my feet or me touching other people's feet. i would rather just avoid them all together.
10. what's in your pockets right now?
nothing. i am wearing a dress with no pockets. sorry.
11. what kid of movies to you like the most?
i'm real big into independent films. but i really just like any weird movies. like anything that has a strange plot or something super odd. something creative & original.